What Would I Do Different?
If you could go back and change anything about your life, what would it be?”
Nothing and everything. But, today the list is seriously fucking long. Ready?
I shouldn't have:
Left a perfectly good job to run away from my life
Agreed to being treated like shit in my relationships
Agreed to more being treated like shit, like I don’t matter, like I only have value when I do something for you, like do whatever the fuck you want because I am such a nice person
Agreed to let her have a girlfriend on the side
Joined a cult (that’s a story for another day)
Settled for that job
Settled for that other job
Listened to people who have no idea what the fuck they are talking about
Abandoned myself in nearly every single relationship
Stayed because I was "supposed to"
I should have:
Asked her out, talked to her, kissed her, danced with her, held her closer
Kicked her out of the car and driven away into the night
Loved myself first, loved myself first, loved myself first
Spoken up so many times for so many things
Done what I knew was the right thing
Listened to my own heart, because no one can ever know me as well as I do
Said yes more
Said no more
Told my fears to back the fuck up
It's easy to be angry about all of the wrongs. Anger has power. Anger brings focus. And maybe it's justified. I want to to focus on what's right. Should is a powerful and potentially destructive word. Use it wisely or, even better, don't use it at all.
Right now all there is to do is learn and evolve and transform. The only mistake is not learning from the mistakes. The only other mistake is not repeating the things that work.
A meditation teacher told me once that life is a masterwork, and the only thing that matters is that last brushstroke that completes a beautiful work of art. All the other layers of paint underneath are necessary to finish the final work.
So, would l change anything if I could. Maybe. All of those things on my list can become tools for my evolution and revolution. They're just necessary work up to the last delicate stroke that will complete the masterwork of this life.